To the man I was afraid to speak to.

28^th May 2013

I've been living in Portslade, with my family now for around 2 years and a bit. I walk the same route everyday to my son’s nursery.

Almost every day I see you walking up or down the road past me, sometimes on the same side, sometimes across the street. 
I notice you wobble a little when you walk, like you’re about to topple over and you stop now and again as if to steady yourself. Your body leans to the right and your left shoulder is lifted. You wear green wellies, a jumper and most days a woolly hat. Sometimes you have everything tucked into your shorts which I can see above your trousers -just about held up by a belt. I don’t mean to embarrass you; I just notice that everything looks a bit twisted, like when my 4 year old pulls up his trousers after going to the toilet. 

For a long time I made an assumption about you; a thin; unshaven; messy; elderly looking man. For a long time I pre-judged you -we're all capable of prejudice- and I thought; you must be drunk at 7.50 in the morning or whatever time of day we passed. But as time went on, I began to wonder about you, I wondered if perhaps you might have an illness of some kind. 

We passed each other often and I began to feel embarrassed but I wasn't sure why. Then I realised it was because I wanted to say hello to you, but was afraid you would ignore me or that you might be unfriendly. So I started with a smile. Do you remember? You looked at me, but didn't appear to respond, or maybe your look was the response. 

Then I remember one day I saw you across the street and I nodded. I think you nodded back, but still not sure, I carried on after that everyday- sometimes nodding, or smiling and other times - to my shame - ignoring you. But I always saw you and always wanted to say hi and how are you? To quote a lovely friend of mine I thought, "What's his story?" Yes that's it, what is your story? What have you travelled from and through to bring you to this life, this street, this walk? I'm assuming again, assuming you are unhappy. But you might not be. 

So today, I was walking home from nursery, feeling like the weather. It was raining but I wasn't really sad, maybe a little melancholy, and anyway I think it's hard to feel very sad when everything around you is so verdant. 

I crossed the road, and I saw you in front of me. You had on those wellies, a hat and a lovely rich orange jumper that stood out against the green leaves as you passed under the sweet chestnut tree. It cheered me up to see you in orange, it felt hopeful. I picked up my pace a little, I had made up my mind that I was going to say hello, not ‘Hi’ or nod or smile, but I was going to look at you and be a friend in the street. 

So you were heading for the next crossing which was away from my direction, I broke into a stride and came up alongside you. As I passed you, I turned back. You weren't looking in my direction, but I said in a clear voice "Morning!!" Do you remember? You were a little surprised I think. But you looked right at me and made a sound. Not really a word, but a sound of acknowledgement! And you raised your hand in the air, a wave! I gave you a big smile, remember? And I thought, 'Great!'

Then I walked home feeling really lovely, I'm not sure why, but I think you made my day. 

I thought back over my wonderful weekend with my husband, our son and other loved ones, in woodland and in bright sunshine and how I'd happily OD'd on vitamin d if not antihistamine "Atchoo!" 

I remembered being utterly caught in the gorgeous bright May moon, not shining in its own right, but reflecting the sun and lighting up my situation, our situations, the goods and bads, the ups and downs. You reminded me of gratitude, you reminded me of how hard it can me to shine in our own right, and that sometimes we need each other’s light to reflect.

And I think that you were the sun on a rainy day allowing me to shine in your light or maybe I was the sun and you shone in my light.

Thank you.